Im at my hotel room just sitting down. i have nothing else to do when i get home

i just work go home sleep work go home sleep, etc 

I feel lonely at times too

I think about the times that i had with jill

I would do anything to go back in time and go experience that again.

I realized, that was the first time that i have been happy in my life.

I really miss a lot of things 

We're always known as the nice guy

We're kind, thoughtful, and care with selfless passion

But always taken advantage of or never been acknowledge of

I used to be that nice guy, till I took shape

I only show my kind, thoughtful and caring attitude towards my family

because they are the only ones that acknowledge it. I mean something to them

everyone else can go burn in hell

i was always like that especially in Las Vegas

now I am done with the crap

It's so much more relaxing being the way I am now. 

I don't have to give a shit about these people anymore

it'll be too late when you turn around to look for me

i will be long gone from your presence 

I dont have anyone to talk to about this so i keep it inside of myself. 

its very tiring. 

lately i've been getting chest pains and my ears are starting to hurt and my hearing is getting worse

i can't excercise properly anymore

im weakening at such a young age

I wish i could tell jill these things but its not the same anymore. 

I miss jill

its kind of funny because i thought i liked jessica but she was just a temporary las vegas thing.

I am truely in love with jill

i have not forgotten about her. 

i am still in love with her. 

i felt so alone when i didnt talk to her.

i need her more than she needs me

i feel so desperate and scared

i feel so stupid. 

i want to erase my feelings for her but how can i get rid of it?

I meditate, i pray, i push all my feelings away but it always comes back

I see her in front of me, i see her next to me but she is so far away from me.

My heart is finally turned towards her but its too late now. 

she doesnt feel the same anymore and im an idiot for not realizing.

i hope she me a chance, another shot at our love, since hope is the only thing i have left

or I wish someone or something would just take my life away.

I wanted that for so long but still hasnt come my way.

im just not happy

The happiest time of my life is when jill became my girlfriend

I didnt realize till couple months ago.

I remember clearly what my feelings were. 

I felt so warm and happy for the first time in my life.

i held onto someone that i loved and cared about

and i threw it away like a fool